Today we’re going to be talking about something that’s super personal. Something that I used to struggle with. Something that many people struggle with. That is eye contact. Eye contact is very important, especially in Western society. I spoke in a YouTube video about how important eye contact is when it comes to dating.
Some people believe making eye contact with people shows respect. It creates trust and it shows confidence but for some of us, making eye contact can feel like torture. Someone once told me that they felt like they were looking into someone’s soul. Eye contact made them very uncomfortable.
Psychological Roots
So what are the psychological roots of this kind of eye contact anxiety? People with autism spectrum disorder. ADHD and with social anxiety will often struggle with eye contact. For such people. Eye contact isn’t just uncomfortable. It can actually be painful. For these people the brain processes social cues differently and this can make eye contact overwhelming.
As I said, I struggled with eye contact myself in the past. I put it down to trauma, past experiences growing up with a lot of dysfunction. I internalized a lot of toxic shame. Sometimes eye contact triggers memories of past emotional, physical abuse.
It can cause revivification of memories related to intense childhood trauma.It can also cause revivification, re-experiencing situations where eye contact felt threatening.
Some cultural backgrounds have different social norms. So someone coming from a society with these different social norms, certain parts of Asia for example. Coming to a Western society. May find communicating with Westerners very difficult.
As with all kinds of anxiety, when you experience anxiety related to eye contact, you’re actually experiencing a physiological response. Your body’s moving into the fight or flight state, and you will experience symptoms that are designed to get you out of dangerous situations. Sweating enables you to cool down in any kind of physical activity that your mind perceives may be coming. Your heart starts pumping to get the blood flowing around your body, so you can either fight back or run away.
You may develop a feeling of intense vulnerability and what resists not only persists, but becomes stronger. So many people experience these things and they try and suppress them, try and fight against them, adding more fuel to the fire. It’s going to create more anxiety around those situations.
You’re going to experience anxiety about anxiety and about going into situations where you may be expected to make eye contact with people and that’s going to lead to increasing anxiety around the fear of eye contact.
Overcome Eye Contact Anxiety
How can you overcome this issue? One technique I used to use, which worked for me quite often, was to look near the person’s eyes. Not right in their eyes. Maybe look at their eyebrows. This seemed to work but one time I actually went for a job interview and the man that was interviewing me caught on to it and actually pointed it out to me, which was a bit awkward.
Practice making eye contact with people in safe, low pressure environments, practice making eye contact with people you know you can trust that could be close friends or family. Practice making eye contact with yourself, stand in front of a mirror and stare yourself in the eyes for five to ten minutes everyday. I ask clients and attendees of my programs to do something similar to this and they nearly always experience positive changes from it.
If you suffer from social anxiety, start with short, gentle glances and try to extend periods of eye contact. Try using soft focus techniques. Go for the 30/70 rule. Aim to make eye contact for around 30% of the time, 70% of the time, you can be glancing away. Using the above techniques will reduce pressure. Gradually eye contact will feel more comfortable.
You could try to imagine a triangle on the other person’s face and alternate between looking at their eyes, mouth, bridge of the nose. Looking around their face in a kind of triangle formation can give the illusion of making eye contact, whilst not having to make prolonged eye contact.
If eye contact is an issue for you, your struggle is valid. I know how you feel. It used to cause me all kinds of anxiety and remember social skills aren’t something you’re born with. They’re something you learn.
You’re not broken.
If your anxieties come from childhood trauma and dysfunction, come from toxic shame have a look at the inner child program. On the program we do exercises to release toxic shame, make yourself feel safe and secure. The inner child program isn’t about blaming parents or having a victim mentality it’s about becoming a good enough parent to yourself, very few us have good enough parents. It’s not our parents fault, they often carry their own trauma and will parent they way they were parented.
In the video I talk about how a happy childhood can still screw you up.
Even if you don’t think you grew up with up with dysfunction inner child work can still help you to overcome social and eye contact anxiety.
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