Ever notice a strange feeling when someone is trying to be or maybe even is genuinely nice to you? That little voice that questions their motives or makes you want to pull away? If kindness sometimes makes you uncomfortable or even angry, you’re not alone. I spoke about my own experiences with this reaction in my post, why I had to heal my inner child. This defensive reaction might be telling you something important about your past—especially if you grew up believing you were somehow responsible for how others treated you.
When Kindness Feels Threatening
Sarah, a woman in her 30s, described it perfectly: “Whenever my partner does something thoughtful, I find myself getting irritated instead of grateful.” She couldn’t understand why genuine affection made her feel so uneasy until she began connecting it to her childhood experiences.
Our reactions to kindness as adults often mirror what we learned about love when we were young. For those fortunate enough to experience good enough parenting & consistent care, accepting kindness feels natural. But for many others, the picture was much more complicated.
Mixed Messages That Shaped You
Think about your earliest experiences with love. Were they consistent? Or did they sometimes come with strings attached?
Many people grew up with caregivers who sent confusing signals—sometimes loving, sometimes hurtful or even deliberately spiteful. Picture a parent who could switch from saying “I love you so much” to delivering harsh criticism or even abuse on the same day. Psychologists call this pattern a “double bind”—receiving two contradicting messages with no way to respond correctly.
A workshop participant shared: “My mom would tell me I was her special boy right after screaming at me for something tiny. I never knew which version of her I would get.” A child growing up with this would be constantly on edge, walking on eggshells.
The Protective Instinct to Blame Yourself
Here’s where things get complicated. When faced with this inconsistency from someone we completely depend on, our young minds often reach a devastating conclusion: “The problem must be me.”
This isn’t just negative thinking—it’s actually a survival mechanism:
- It creates an illusion of control: If you’re the problem, maybe you can fix things by being “better”
- It protects your bond with caregivers: It feels safer to blame yourself than to see the people you rely on as untrustworthy
- It makes sense of the senseless: A child’s mind searches for patterns and explanations, even harmful ones
Research by psychologist Dr. Bessel van der Kolk suggests that when children can’t escape threatening situations, they adapt their internal world instead. Self-blame becomes a way to maintain a sense of order in a chaotic environment.
The Fog of Defensive Reactions
What many people don’t realize is that these defensive reactions to kindness can be more extreme than just feeling uncomfortable. For some, the experience involves:
Memory Gaps and Blackouts
When faced with genuine kindness that triggers old wounds, some people experience:
- Blackout moments where they later can’t remember how they responded
- Hazy recollections of having said something defensive or spiteful without clear memory of their exact words
- “Coming to” in the middle of a conversation, realizing they’ve been responding on autopilot
- Hearing later from others that they reacted negatively but have no memory of it
Alex described this experience: “My friend told me she was hurt by how I dismissed her thoughtful birthday gift, but I honestly couldn’t remember what I’d said. It was like there was a fog over that part of our conversation. I felt terrible that I might have hurt her without even being aware of it.”
Overwhelming Shame and Disconnection
These defensive reactions often create a painful cycle:
- Intense shame about possibly having pushed away kindness
- Feeling unreal or detached during moments when vulnerability is required
- Physical discomfort like tightness in the chest when receiving compliments or care
- Emotional numbness that kicks in precisely when connection is offered
“The worst part,” Tanya explained, “is how disconnected I feel when someone is being genuinely sweet to me. It’s like I’m watching the interaction from outside my body, and I can feel myself saying something dismissive but can’t stop it. Afterward, I’m flooded with shame, wondering why I can’t just accept love like a normal person.”
Connecting Your Past to Present Reactions
That feeling of spite or discomfort when someone shows you genuine kindness today? It might be your mind’s way of protecting you from what it perceives as a familiar threat.
Consider these possibilities:
- Your defenses activate automatically: When someone is kind without conditions, it contradicts your internal story that you’re unworthy
- You’re anticipating the inevitable letdown: If affection was once followed by hurt, you might be bracing for pain
- You’re protecting your autonomy: Being vulnerable enough to accept care might feel dangerous based on your history
- You’re dissociating to protect yourself: Your mind might temporarily disconnect to shield you from vulnerability that once led to pain
I used to experience a feeling like I needed to push away the very thing I wanted most. This paradox makes perfect sense given what you’ve lived through.
Breaking Free From The Cycle
Understanding these reactions is just the beginning. Here are concrete steps toward healing:
1. Practice staying present when someone is kind
Try this exercise: When receiving a compliment, take three slow breaths before responding. Notice the urge to dismiss or deflect it, but just observe without acting on it. Feel your feet on the ground and focus on staying in your body rather than floating away.
2. Start a “kindness journal”
Document moments when you receive kindness and your honest reactions. Look for patterns without judgment. Note any gaps in your memory or moments when you felt disconnected. This awareness is the first step to healing.
3. Rewrite your internal narrative
When you catch yourself thinking “They must want something” or “I don’t deserve this,” gently counter with “What if they just appreciate me?” or “What if I do deserve care?” Challenge the shame that says you’re fundamentally unworthy.
4. Begin with smaller acts of kindness
If accepting big gestures feels overwhelming, start smaller. Let someone hold a door or accept a simple compliment as practice. These smaller moments are less likely to trigger dissociation or memory gaps.
5. Create a grounding plan
Before entering situations where you might receive kindness (birthdays, celebrations, romantic moments), have a plan to stay grounded. This might include:
- Focusing on physical sensations like your breath or feet on the floor
- Having a simple phrase to repeat silently: “I am safe receiving kindness”
- Taking a brief moment alone if you feel disconnection starting
- Pro tip, don’t drink alcohol in these situations. I speak from experience
6. Practice self-compassion for the gaps
If you realize you’ve had a defensive reaction or can’t remember how you responded to someone’s kindness, practice gentle self-forgiveness. These reactions developed to protect you. As you heal, they will gradually subside.
It Wasn’t Your Fault
Perhaps the most important message is this: the treatment you received wasn’t because of some flaw in you. Children don’t cause adults to behave inconsistently or abusively. You were not responsible for your relationship with your parents. You were a child.
Emma, now in her 40s, shared: “Realizing I wasn’t responsible for my father’s behavior was the most freeing moment of my life. I cried for days, but they were healing tears.”
Your defensive reactions to kindness aren’t character flaws—they’re evidence of your mind’s remarkable ability to adapt and protect you. With awareness and compassion for yourself, you can gradually create new patterns that allow genuine connection to feel safe.
The next time that feeling of spite or discomfort rises when someone shows you kindness, try to see it as an opportunity—a chance to notice an old pattern and gently guide yourself toward a new response. You deserve to receive care without the weight of your past standing in the way. Don’t blame yourself for your reactions, blame the people that made you that way. Remember, the people who hurt you were likely carrying their own burdens from the past, your focus now is on creating a different, kinder path for yourself and the people that deserve your kindness.
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